Responsiveness to Change

I haven’t blogged for awhile. Various threads of my own story had me preoccupied. It’s something though to have done something almost every week for 7 years, then to just stop. We and our minds are often a mystery!

I can feel that I’m ready to get started again, though I may not aim for every week anymore.

What has been catching my attention lately is the beginning of fall colors. If you look, you can see leaves here and there that are yellow or brown.

And I was wondering, why, with a whole huge tree of green leaves, would there by a few that are changing?

And I realized that it’s probably the parts of the tree’s system that are most vulnerable and sensitive to the amount of light that are the ones to show this change first.

And, so, as is my want, I applied this to us. . . . and I saw that it is true, the parts of ourselves that are most vulnerable and sensitive are often the parts that are most perceptive and pick up on changes in our world first.

Usually, and necessarily so, these vulnerable and sensitive parts are well protected and so they may not be exposed to the changes we experience.

When we check in on a deeper level, we may notice that we are picking up on something underneath our defenses.   

This gives us information about ourselves and our environment so we know what’s going on in us, what we need, and how to take care of ourselves.

Is your perceptiveness related to your vulnerability and sensitivity? Look inside the outside, down beneath your usual awareness, and notice what’s going on. Give this part of you special attention and care.

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Our Stories and Our Needs

It’s fairly understandable that we don’t all remember the same things and so that we hear a story about ourselves that we don’t remember . . .

And that we would remember a common experience differently . . .

What we remember and the way we remember is related to whether or not an important need was threatened or satisfied.

For example . . .

If you proudly showed me something that you had done and I reacted as if it was nothing, your need for mastery and effectiveness would not have been met. You may be more likely to remember this event than I would because no particular need of mine was involved.

Or . . .

If I made a special effort to connect with you and you were distracted by something else and actually were annoyed by me, then I would remember feeling hurt (my need for connection was threatened) and you would remember feeling bothered (your need for autonomy was threatened).

And again . . .

If you called me for support because you had a tough day, and I was glad to hear from you and listened with interest and concern, you’d remember being supported (your need for comfort and connection was met) and I’d remember feeling caring and needed (my need for connection and to be effective and have value were met).

See if this theory holds up for you in your experience with what you remember and how you and others remember differently. . . .

It’s also an occasion to be more aware of your primary needs and to notice when they are being met or not.

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Stories

I haven’t posted for a few weeks. I’m really not sure why. I see today that this is my 300^th post. Perhaps knowing that subconsciously gave me writer’s block!

I’ve been thinking about stories for a few weeks now and was moving toward blogging about it . . . and I turned on the radio and heard Terry Gross (on the NPR program Fresh Air*) interviewing Sara Polley about her documentary film “The Stories We Tell”. So it nudged me to go ahead and post this.

*Here’s the link to it though I hear that if you plan to see the film you shouldn’t listen to this first. Sarah Polley’s Family Secret, Pieced Deftly Together : NPR

I have had the privilege and honor of hearing many stories and I’m very familiar with how we really can’t tell by looking what’s going on for someone on the inside. That’s why I like to frame my work as “looking inside the outside with respect and care”/

Even so, I recently had the experience; once again, of hearing the story of someone I’ve known only peripherally and ended up feeling more compassion and kindness toward her.

Have you ever noticed this?

Is there anyone whose story might help you feel more open to them?

Do you respect and have tenderness toward your own story? Is there a particular part of it that needs more compassion? . . . which means is there part of you that you could have more compassion for?

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Perfect AND Vulnerable . . . ? ? ?

More thoughts on being loved. . . .  

A few weeks ago I mentioned that we often think we have to be perfect to be loved.

If we make a mistake or have other limitations, we fear we won’t be accepted or loved.  And yet, connection is based on being vulnerable.

Then I reflected on how it is actually our limits that evoke tenderness in others. . . usually; . . . sometimes they don’t.

Yesterday at church, I was reminded of Jesus saying “Just as the Father has loved me, so I love you.” (John 15:9) . . . Have you ever really thought about that?

Jesus is saying that He received love . . . and so He must have been aware of His vulnerability and need.

Jesus as vulnerable and in need . . . usually people think of Jesus as being perfect.

Even if He was, or in whatever way He was, He didn’t get out of feeling vulnerable, from being aware of needing to be loved.

So what might “perfect” mean in God’s realm if it actually includes what we think of as imperfection?

Maybe God’s perfection has more to do with being true and real, showing up, being honest, facing into our humanity as much as possible . . . and being willing to be loved, to admit our vulnerability, to be intimate, connected, and close.

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Irritation and Limitation

I wrote last time that it is “when we see a weakness or vulnerability in someone we care about that we feel even more loving and tender”.

And as I wrote it, I was aware that certainly this isn’t always the case. Sometimes the limitations of others really irritate us or even cause significant anxiety.

So what’s the difference? Why do the weaknesses in those we love inspire even more tenderness and compassion but the same can alienate and distance us from others?

There are so many factors that contribute to relationship . . . how and why some are compatible and others aren’t . . . why we like some people and we don’t like others . . . not to mention values, interests, goals, and styles.

And there are many things that enter into whether or not we feel distress. One of the most central ones is how much resource and reserve we have.

If many other demands have been made on us, if we’re upset about something else, if our needs aren’t being met . . .  then it’s hard to have tolerance, compassion, or perspective.

So even with those we like and even love, there are many times when their limitations drive us crazy and we want to change them.

Being able to be drawn into love and tenderness requires that we feel secure in ourselves and in the relationship . . . and that we feel sufficiently affirmed and valued . . . so that we are able to have the distance to see another for who she or he is and not for what we need and get or don’t get from them.

When we are in that space, then our own and others’ limitations can be the seed of affection and care.

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Love and Imperfection

Sometimes people think that they have to be perfect to be loved and that they aren’t lovable if there’s something wrong with them.

Yet, it’s actually when we see a weakness or vulnerability in someone we care about that we feel even more loving and tender.

Love is that expression of compassion and awareness that they are more than their distress and that we care about what they’re going through.

Once again, just after having such reflections, I heard something on the radio that echoed it.  On the NPR Ted Radio Hour, Brené Brown, PhD, a researcher on shame, talks about vulnerability. You can hear it here:

http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=3&islist=true&id=57&d=03-29-2013

The segment is 12 minutes long and well worth listening to.

She shares that the way we truly connect with another person is to be vulnerable.  We have to take up our courage and be willing to be seen for who we are with our fears of not being “enough” to be accepted and liked.

Dr. Brown says, “Vulnerability is not weakness. . . . Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage. . . . Imbedded in real vulnerability is an honest, raw, bid for connection.”

Embrace your vulnerability. Let it be a bid for your own tenderness and compassion for yourself.

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When Someone Dies

Death is a part of life.

The uncertainty about when and where and sometimes why puts it in the realm of powerlessness.

Not knowing what happens next puts it in the realm of mystery.

As we grieve, we move through loss and adjust to life without the person or thing who is no longer with us.

I share these poems by Judith Perry Carpenter (in Peacework Quilt) in memory of someone close to me who died last week.

She

who is Wisdom
speaks to our world
of hope and rebirth,
of deep rest and
joyful creativity,
of silence
and of love.

~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~

Release,
relax,
let go and flow.
All will be healed
in or out of time –
made whole.

~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~

space time and we are
curved into the glorious
gravity of God

~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~

Look!

On the edges of every moment
stand angels parting veils
to vistas of beyond.

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Where Was God?

As we deal with the reality of suffering in the world, we often question our understanding of God or maybe even God’s existence.

Throughout time, human beings have struggled with this and create various explanations to help them understand –
 it’s the person’s fault, they could have done something to prevent the suffering
 it’s for their own good, God’s trying to teach them something
 it’s because they have sinned – or their parents sinned
 we don’t have a loving God
 God is absent
 God does not exist
 it’s because the sun was shining (or not) or any other variety of correlations.

In reflecting on the story of Moses and the Burning Bush (Exodus 3) I had a new understanding of that story and new evidence for my understanding that God is present within suffering.

Since the bush was a thorn bush and thorns are associated with suffering, then the fire present in the bush but not consuming it shows the truth that God is present in suffering without destroying it or changing it.

And, it’s holy ground. God told Moses to remove his sandals because he was standing on holy ground. . . . and then God also called Moses to a particular task.

It’s tricking to figure out how to experience God present with us within the suffering. We (as Westerners) are so used to controlling and getting rid of suffering, we figure God should be able to do that too.

If we are able to do this though, i.e. to see God as present with and within the suffering, we too can experience that we’re on holy ground and hear God’s call from within these experiences.

This is also true when we are with those who suffer – believing that God is present helps us approach the experience as holy. . . . and maybe even hear God’s call in those moments.

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Change is in the Air

So many things are changing all the time. Some are expected changes like the seasons or normal growth and development or learning.

Other changes are unexpected and unfamiliar. Technological advances are constantly giving us new ways of doing things.

A couple of weeks ago, Pope Benedict VI announced his resignation effective this week. The last time a pope resigned was 600 years ago!

When we hear of new or unfamiliar things, we don’t know what to make of it or how to fit it in to what we know of the world.

Some people absorb change more easily than others.

Certain change is easier to adjust to than others.

Another change that is just on our doorstep is very familiar and expected yet always new.

It’s springtime! We see this change every year and each year it holds the potential for wonder and delight.

In the midst of the coldest weather we’ve had in a long time, buds began to form on the tree outside my window, responding to the lengthening daylight.

How are you reacting to change these days? Is there some change you welcome? . . . other change that you resist? What helps you in times of change?

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Being Able to Laugh at Yourself

Last week I drove through a residential intersection with a traffic light. For some reason traffic was being supervised by a traffic cop. She inadvertently told someone she could turn left and at the same time turned to the oncoming car and signaled her on. The oncoming car knew not to go; the traffic cop realized what she had done; and laughed. . . She wasn’t taking her job lightly . . . she was taking herself lightly.

What allows someone to laugh at their mistakes? Have you ever done that?

Maybe you’ve noticed that it’s easier to laugh at yourself at some times more than at others.

Laughing at your mistakes requires enough self-acceptance and inner security that you know that this mistake isn’t the final word about you and that you don’t have to be perfect to be accepted and to belong.

Laughing at your mistakes also requires compassion and understanding. I was impressed that this traffic cop could laugh at herself with such a public mistake. Gratefully, it didn’t cause any harm.

Sometimes when we’re tired or hungry or for some other reason depleted, it’s harder to laugh at ourselves. At those times it’s easier to be irritated and impatient.

Then there are some mistakes that touch on our core issues or fears. It’s harder to laugh about those.

And, it’s hard to laugh about mistakes that end up causing harm rather than inconvenience or discomfort.

Will you laugh at yourself this week? Notice which mistakes you can laugh at and which ones make you unhappy or ashamed.

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